Jealousy – The Relationship Killer
From care to poison
According to the dictionary, jealousy is a feeling or showing a resentful suspicion that one’s partner is attracted to or involved with someone else. It comes from a very poor self-image and low self-worth. When we are jealous, we struggle with emotions like insecurity, fear, or concern. We don’t feel safe, nor like who we are. We don’t trust ourselves enough. It’s an ugly path. And I say struggle because, from my perspective, this is a disease that eats you alive. Jealousy is a two-way street. It can come from you or from your partner. Both ways are destructive. If it is your partner, the question is will you tolerate it? If it’s you, it means you have to do some inner search and see what you can do about it. Before I dig deeper, let me clear a couple of things.
- In a small dose and manifested when necessary, it is nice and healthy. It only shows that we care, and maybe there is a little something that bothers us, and we would like to communicate it. In a higher dose is nothing but poison. And poison kills. Faster or slowly, it depends on how it is administered and how much the victim is willing to tolerate it.
- We can’t control our partner’s emotions, BUT we can control our feelings and reactions, and we have the power to STOP.
I am writing from a non-jealous perspective, not because I am the most self-secure person in the world, but I know who I am by now, plus jealousy was never in my blood. However, life didn’t prevent me from dealing with jealous and possessive partners, like many of us. So I know very well what it means, what the implications are, and how destructive and hurtful it can be. When I was dealing with the Psycho 20 years ago, I was very jealous because he made me be like that, and he encouraged this behavior because he wanted to be in control. He was crazy, and he always wanted me to fight back. And I was. I tolerated it for almost seven years. If you read my other article, In Love with a Psycho, you will understand. I stayed there for so long and found excuses because I was hooked. But God helped me to go out. The positive part of the story is that I got back to my senses as soon as I was out of that toxic relationship. Because deep down, I always knew that was not me or my style, and I would never behave like that in a relationship. Further on, I was dating other men that had jealousy issues. None of them like the Psycho, though. With none, I stayed for too long.
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Jealousy is a cage where you lock yourself. Why? You limit your opportunities, kill your peace of mind, and create useless stress and pressure for both of you. I mean, what could happen? Will he talk to other women? Will he flirt? Will he exchange numbers? Will he date them? Will he have sex with them? Maybe. But you don’t know that, and most definitely, you cannot control it. Live your life and don’t be afraid you will lose him. On the contrary, he should be afraid of losing you! If he turns out to be a cheater and an asshole, or if she is the one cheating, sooner or later, you will find out, and you can take action. But living by being a police officer is a miserable life. And I have news: there will always be someone younger, sexier, better looking, smarter. What really matters is how you feel about yourself and the self-esteem you have. My recipe is very simple: If I am in a relationship, he receives and deserves my complete trust from the beginning. If he takes advantage of that, oh well, that will be his loss. He can do whatever he wants. He can have his nights off with the guys. He can travel with the guys. He can have his own space because, for sure, I do need mine. He will have his identity just like I will have mine. And I am totally cool with that. I need my nights out with the girls, my shopping sessions, even trips with my girlfriends too. In the end, it is mutual understanding in your partnership, and without trust, you cannot accomplish anything. And of course, there is our space and our time. What he is doing once he is out of that door, it’s just out of my hands, and he is responsible for his actions. Anyway, everything is a lottery. Girls, if he wants to do it, he will do it 100%! Let me give you an example that an insecure person would never tolerate: When I was dating the Serbian guy – one time, he had to go to a work party hosted in one of his co-workers’ apartments. I was actually invited as well by one of those guys. But the night before, he told me he would instead not take me as that is his work environment – everyone will get quickly drunk, and most likely, I will not have fun. Initially, I was like, “hmmm,” but didn’t say anything or look upset. The day after the party, he called me straight in the morning, and we were just chatting about it. And in the evening he showed me some pictures from the party. Nothing wow, just a regular party. And guess what. I had my salsa nights, and every time I was going, he always admired how amazing I looked and wished me “go have fun, girl” The truth is those were my nights where he would have stayed at the bar getting bored. So I wouldn’t have taken him there, no way. See my point? We all need our space and trust in our partners and, more importantly ourselves. Sometimes we need to have something that is only our own. To summarise, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that if it is your partner, you can’t control, fix, or help him. This is not your job but the other person’s responsibility to work on it. And this will take time which might have a negative impact on you and the relationship as well. So pay attention to the red flags and take action from the beginning, perhaps in the early dating stages. Sure talk about it, but if you don’t see any signs of change from his side, girl, you gotta get out. Fast. Guys, you too 
From my experience, if he is jealous, this comes with whole other issues in the package.
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The good news is that if it is you and you want to make some changes, you are the captain of this ship. This is your game, your life, your entire responsibility. With hard work, even therapy if needed, willingness and acceptance, you have high chances to succeed. The key is to love and trust yourself more. What we need to understand is that we don’t own anybody in this life. We are not the masters of anyone, and none was assigned to us. Jealousy is sickness and a desperate fear of loss, therefore possession. We cannot keep someone closer to us or vice versa. This is not the way to have healthier and better relationships. On the contrary. It’s a game you’ll never win. What are your thoughts about jealousy in relationships?
