In Love With A Psycho

How I did not waste seven years of my life

August 11, 2021

Young, inexperienced, and hungry for love.

This was me 20 years ago.

We met on a cold winter February day in a coffee shop in my home town Bucharest,

I was in my first University year and celebrating the victory of passing an exam with a few colleagues.

He was sitting next to our table with an older guy.

It was impossible not to notice him: dark hair, deep blue eyes, sexy voice and smile, and penetrating look. Handsome and difficult to resist his charm.

We all started talking, and before leaving, he asked for my number.

Shortly after we started dating.

He came from a very good family, driving an expensive car, well dressed, traveling all the time, owning different businesses.

He was smart, educated, and well-spoken.

For my 20 years old mindset, I thought God gave me the most precious gift ever.

The reality was – that nicely wrapped “gift” was a self-centered man, a liar, a cheater, full of himself, a very sick, insecure, and manipulative individual that he should have been locked in a mental institution.

The big question here is, WHY did I stay with him for so long? Well because:

1. I was too young and weak to understand that certain things should just not be tolerated and to know that I have to set boundaries and how.
2. I had no previous experience, and I couldn’t compare.
3. I had daddy issues. My relationship with my dad was a complicated one, and at that time, I was looking to be loved and accepted by a dominant, handsome, and charismatic man. My father was just like that.
4. He used to tell me, “Say Thank you I am with you because nobody else would,” and I believed that …
5. … I thought I deserve better.
6. I always hoped things would be ok.
7. I was simply addicted and every time we had a fight and stopped seeing each other for 2-3 weeks, I used to go back to him crawling, or the other way around, and I forgave him every time.
8. Sex was great.
9. We had fun times also and a lot of interesting conversations.
10. I was looking for love, and I thought what we had was … love. I didn’t understand at that time that it was just possession and control. I actually felt it, but I didn’t know how to deal with it.
11. He was seven years older than me, and he was more experienced, and because of my lack of knowledge at that time, I allowed him to manipulate me in all the ways he wanted.

Deep in my mind, I always knew that it was toxic and I should end it, but in your 20s, you also think you have the whole time in the world. It took me almost seven years to reach the end of my rope and say No More.

My friends tried to make me see the red flags. And I was somehow aware, but he had that power over me like a magic spell.

You could say he wasted my early 20s, which allegedly are the best years.

5% of me thinks the same because I missed some important things because of him. But 95% know that if I regret it, I can’t change anything. Plus, I firmly believe encounters in life are a sequence of actions that are all connected, and everything leads you to where you are today. If it was not for him I would have not been moving to Dubai years later.

Not to mention that I learned so many valuable lessons that just made me stronger as a woman and a human being.

As a matter of fact, this toxic man was part of my growing up, and I think the Universe sent him to help me become the person I am today.
What I Was Not Allowed To:

• Have male friends of any sort. For seven years, the only mobile number from men in my phone book was my dad and uncle.
• Wear too much makeup. If we were in a public place and a man would look at me, it was my fault, and it was all followed by arguments, insults, and a scandal.
• Wear high-heels and other feminine outfits. Most of the time, I was wearing sportswear.
• Participate at the company’s yearly gatherings. He used to tell me, “NO, there is no place for you there.”
• Go to the university parties or yearly proms. I missed 3 out of 4 proms because of him.
• Not be able to take his call even if I was in a meeting at work. He would say I am cheating on him with collegues.
• Not be able to pick up the phone under ANY circumstance, even the landline at home at 3 am.
• Have a coffee with my girlfriends in the middle of the day. I went out once just for a drink at a fast-food restaurant, and he sent someone to spy on us and take pictures through the window.
• Enrolling for a Master’s Degree or an MBA – my biggest regret – because I will meet other people there – like … “how insecure can someone be”???
• In 2006 he brought me to salsa classes: but I was only allowed to dance with him and never go to the parties. He was going alone, though. He started teaching me salsa at home without him being an instructor and without knowing. After eight months of his f***** training, I was not even able to follow. Two months before breaking up we went to the seaside, and we went to a salsa party, and tried dancing, but it was a disaster. He got pissed and decided (on my behalf!!) that salsa was over for me because I was useless. (I don’t know how many people from the salsa community are reading this, but if you are, you will understand my pain at that time).

How He Treated Me:

• Because he was so jealous, he tried to make me the same, and he always used to tell me how all women were after him just to test my reactions.
• He humiliated me by asking me to kneel in the street and ask for forgiveness for stupid things that he thought I did to upset him.
• He abused me physically and mentally.
• He kept me away from my friends and made me break some friendships that I could never fix years later.
• We went to see The Devil Wears Prada when it was launched, and after he made a scandal of why I dragged him to a movie that clearly shows that all women are cheaters and for sure I am one of them. Note: I never cheated on him.
• If I had an opinion about something, I couldn’t insist too much because I was annoying and had “a big mouth” ( he even physically abused me a few times when I wanted to make a point about something).
• Every time we traveled abroad, we had huge fights that always ended up with me in tears, being miserable, and roaming alone in the streets of an unknown country. When we went together to Barcelona, he made a drama because I was the one trying to solve an issue that we had in the hotel room. He told me with anger and disgust that women should know their place and  stay quiet, and let the man do the job. I laugh now when I remember these stories. At that time, I didn’t.

What He Taught Me While I “Didn’t Waste” My 20s With Him

• Jealousy in a relationship is a weapon for destruction. And only people who are insecure and don’t love themselves are like this.
• He was into spirituality, and he introduced me to meditation, breathing techniques, the law of attraction, and I read many books about it. I thank him for that.
• Every experience we are going through, was brought to us because we need to learn some lessons, get to know ourselves better, and test our endurance.
• When a man wants something, he will tell you all you want to hear. It doesn’t have to be true.
• I am not what he said. Not physically nor as a human being. I learned how to build trust in myself and keep growing and being the best version of myself without being the most beautiful woman in the world.
• Not all men are the same, and definitely, not all men are assholes. It was just an experience for me and a wrong choice.
• I will never ever tolerate that behavior and for someone to disrespect me like that, touch me physically or play with my mind.
• If you are broken – always stand up and move on. Always!
• I am stronger than I thought because after we broke up it was so clear that it was him not me.
• Smell a predator like him miles away

If I were married to that man today, having kids with him as he proposed to me at some point – would have destroyed my life. Forever.

How Did I Say Stop

I always had to make a choice: it was him or the rest of the world. There was no grey zone there. It was completely out of the question.

And I had so many pathetic restrictions and for what, to feed his ego and insecurities, to make him feel better in his sick mind. What did I get in return? Pain, tears, scandals, wasted days looking at the phone and wondering why he is not answering, humiliations, betrayal, lack of respect, abuse.

THE FINALE

In July 2007, I was invited to a bday party, and I wanted to go. I told him we could go together, and he said no. So my only option was again to stay home … alone.

That was the final goodbye with no explanation hanging upon him.

I accidentally saw him again two more times during the following year, and he tried to get back together with me. But he highlighted it could only be him and me.

I said, NO, THANK YOU.

The whole world is an exciting place to be and explore. His world  alone was an empty, sad, and dark place.

What happened after? I built a circle of new friends, I was going out, changed my wardrobe, made my own decisions, went back to take proper salsa classes, and laughed at men that were trying to BS me.

I was reborn. I was a better Iris.

Girls, if you had a similar experience, first of all, please don’t end up hating men. Not all men are the same. Just like not all women are the same, I am sure men also have stories about being with crazy psycho women.

Some people are very, very disturbed, and they are placed in our lives with a purpose.

The whole game is to know how to manage the circumstances and, once we are out, learn the lessons and never tolerate the same treatment again.

If you are going through a toxic relationship at the moment, just remember you deserve more, and you are better without being with someone playing with your mind and disrespecting you.

Note: I have lived in the Middle East for a while now and keep hearing women saying that Muslims are jealous and possessive. Men can be jealous, regardless of their religion, race, or color.

So please stop blaming Islam. 

f you have been through a similar experience, pull yourself together, take a deep breath, analyze the damages, send to hell whatever is not beneficial for you and keeps you from the fabulous things that you deserve, and start rebuilding. More. Much better. More Beautiful. And don’t forget: You deserve to shine bright like a beautiful diamond!

Have you ever been with a Psycho?

Women With Standards

Why you should keep them high

August 8, 2021

I was discussing chivalry in a previous article and how it changed in the last decades.

Personally, I believe a man should always be a gentleman not only while dating, in a relationship, engaged, or married for a long time. Every woman must be treated with respected.

However, I will refer more to the dating chapter in this article as dating is a critical and defining step that leads to all the other serious stages of a serious relationship.

And if dating is done wrong, well, what’s the point of moving on and wasting your time with someone that is not capable of treating you right.

What is really pissing me off here is that men are not capable of doing basic and fundamental common sense things for us anymore. The worst part being that many of us accept their treatment.

Because if they don’t treat us right, we always have the option of leaving or making a point. But … Do we?

When this happened to me, I used to disappear most of the times, but I should have said something even if it didn’t matter. To a few, I did, and nothing changed. But I think we should communicate what is wrong no matter if they care or not. Things need to be said as otherwise they will think it’s ok and keep on doing the same wrong things over and over again.

The way I see it – If men can’t put in some effort in the early stages of dating, if they can’t allocate some time to be creative to impress, then my genuine question is What can I expect later on?

Yes, I know gentlemen will jump and say, but they are too emancipated and they can do everything by themselves or maybe they are too available. I agree with this statement up to a certain extent. Yes, we are more empowered, we have more freedom, and we can do whatever we want, but before we even went out on a date, you don’t know me, you have no idea who I am, so please just give it a F****** try before you put a label on me.

I remember I used to date a guy, and he was texting me at 6 pm

Him – “Let’s go Out.”

Me – I can’t I have plans. You should have told me yesterday or in the morning.

Him – “Yes but you are single.”

Me: haha …. Yeah but If I am single, I have a life, and I am not glued to my mobile to wait for you to text … like duh!

Another one is texting me at 12 am on a Thursday night.

Him – I will pick you up in 20 min let’s go to a yacht party.

Me – (in my mind) I was like, wow, he really thinks that I am all dressed up waiting for a call in front of the door … Jesus Christ!

Another one was not communicating with me and expecting me to text first. Eventually, he texts saying.

Him – “You don’t say anything.”

Me – “Neither do you.”

I complain he is not putting any effort and that he is a man and he should initiate more etc.

Later that week, when he was taking me home from our date, he told me with a stupid smile on his face:

Look I am taking you home. I am putting up efforts.

In my mind, I said Jesus, it’s basic but I stupidly smiled at him just because I didn’t want to get into an unnecessary argument. I was tired. But was it right not to say anything?

Another one.

Him – “Hey let’s have dinner together at my place.”

Me – Sure – (sounded really nice)

Him – What do you want to eat?

Me – Anything except fast food

So I get to his place with a bottle of wine and he is not there … The house is empty and unlocked. So I go in and wait. 5 minutes later, the doorbell rings. It’s a delivery guy with 2 shawarma. I paid 60 Dhs.

He comes as well a few minutes later like a lost butterfly while still on his mobile

Him – Oh hey, you are here …

Me – aaaa yeah, there was nobody, the house was open. Ah, and btw the food came. It’s ok I paid … duh!

Him – A sure ok …

I didn’t want that money back, I didn’t care about that shitty food :))) but you got my point, right?

The above are just some examples. Nice, huh?

If you happen to be in situations like this, please don’t waste too much of your time.

But here comes the flip side.

I complained to one of my girlfriends, telling her some of the stories. She told me l Iris you have too many expectations. I swear to God, for a minute, I even doubted myself. But it only took me a minute and I was like Nope – F*** that! Especially when it comes to basic things that a guy should do for a girl, this is me and what I want. If you can’t be bothered to put in some effort – GoodBye.

But what triggered me more was what she told me, and even if I love her to death, she is the type of woman she would never let a guy pay for her drinks, or she is ok not to be picked up for a date and so on.

Therefore I say – If we complain that men are not that chivalrous anymore and this art got lost during the last decades maybe something changed with women as well, don’t you think? And as a result this also had an impact on male behavior towards us.
So, How Did We Change Ladies?

• We are treated low and accept it. I was one of them.
• We are always available. I was …
• We don’t complain nor communicate what bothers us. I used to disappear and not say anything.
• We don’t ask for much and settle with less. I thought it was ok to receive what I it was offered.
• We are more independent, which is great, but we don’t let guys do nice thighs for us based on the principle I can do it all anyway or even worse, I can hold my own door or I can pay for my wine. Come on, ladies, let him hold the door for you, it won’t make you less of a woman …

Another sad reality is that nowadays, women just have less value and become cheaper. To be very transparent, I haven’t been better and made my share of mistakes. I accepted too much for too little. I compromised to get crumbs in return. I was easily available, and I said yes too many times. I’ve made myself free in the middle of the night without prior notice …

And it’s ok. I am not sorry as I did what I felt under those circumstances, but I changed things drastically in the last few years and learned my lessons.

So I am not pretending to write from the perspective of a saint but from the perspective of a girl that made a lot of mistakes and made stupid decisions, but I want better for myself in the future and for the other girls.

I said what I said above because I think standards come from your self-worth and from how much you value yourself as a woman. How much you are willing to compromise on you being treated in the right way.

We have to reshape the way we think and how we set our expectations and standards. It is simple mathematics. We accept less. We will get less. We ask for more, and we will get more. And if we don’t get more, we are done and move on.

Donald Baucom, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, studied marital expectations for a decade. He found that people get what they expect. People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with high expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well. (Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/truth-expectations-relationships/)
My Advice To You Is Based On The Same Principles That I Follow:

• Know your worth and what you want. If you are in doubt, it’s ok. It took me 30 years+ to start understanding what it’s good for me and 40 to get where I wanted to be. And I am still making mistakes and learning, but I am in a better place.
• Don’t allow anybody to waste your time.
• Have faith in you
• Respect yourself
• Clearly communicate what bothers you and what you want or what you stand for
• Set your boundaries
• Don’t be afraid you’ll set the bar too high. In the end, it is also self-respect you have towards yourself. If you don’t love yourself or respect yourself, who will?
• Behave like a lady with class, attitude, and confidence but don’t forget to be sweet and feminine at the same time.

High standards are like a shield that eventually protects you from low-quality experiences.

What are your standards?

Jealousy – The Relationship Killer

From care to poison

August 4, 2021

According to the dictionary, jealousy is a feeling or showing a resentful suspicion that one’s partner is attracted to or involved with someone else. It comes from a very poor self-image and low self-worth. When we are jealous, we struggle with emotions like insecurity, fear, or concern. We don’t feel safe, nor like who we are. We don’t trust ourselves enough. It’s an ugly path. And I say struggle because, from my perspective, this is a disease that eats you alive. Jealousy is a two-way street. It can come from you or from your partner. Both ways are destructive. If it is your partner, the question is will you tolerate it? If it’s you, it means you have to do some inner search and see what you can do about it. Before I dig deeper, let me clear a couple of things.

1. In a small dose and manifested when necessary, it is nice and healthy. It only shows that we care, and maybe there is a little something that bothers us, and we would like to communicate it. In a higher dose is nothing but poison. And poison kills. Faster or slowly, it depends on how it is administered and how much the victim is willing to tolerate it.
2. We can’t control our partner’s emotions, BUT we can control our feelings and reactions, and we have the power to STOP.

I am writing from a non-jealous perspective, not because I am the most self-secure person in the world, but I know who I am by now, plus jealousy was never in my blood. However, life didn’t prevent me from dealing with jealous and possessive partners, like many of us. So I know very well what it means, what the implications are, and how destructive and hurtful it can be. When I was dealing with the Psycho 20 years ago, I was very jealous because he made me be like that, and he encouraged this behavior because he wanted to be in control. He was crazy, and he always wanted me to fight back. And I was. I tolerated it for almost seven years. If you read my other article, In Love with a Psycho, you will understand. I stayed there for so long and found excuses because I was hooked. But God helped me to go out. The positive part of the story is that I got back to my senses as soon as I was out of that toxic relationship. Because deep down, I always knew that was not me or my style, and I would never behave like that in a relationship. Further on, I was dating other men that had jealousy issues. None of them like the Psycho, though. With none, I stayed for too long.

Photo Credit icons8-team-r-enAOPw8Rs-unsplash.jpg

Jealousy is a cage where you lock yourself. Why? You limit your opportunities, kill your peace of mind, and create useless stress and pressure for both of you. I mean, what could happen? Will he talk to other women? Will he flirt? Will he exchange numbers? Will he date them? Will he have sex with them? Maybe. But you don’t know that, and most definitely, you cannot control it. Live your life and don’t be afraid you will lose him. On the contrary, he should be afraid of losing you! If he turns out to be a cheater and an asshole, or if she is the one cheating, sooner or later, you will find out, and you can take action. But living by being a police officer is a miserable life. And I have news: there will always be someone younger, sexier, better looking, smarter. What really matters is how you feel about yourself and the self-esteem you have. My recipe is very simple: If I am in a relationship, he receives and deserves my complete trust from the beginning. If he takes advantage of that, oh well, that will be his loss. He can do whatever he wants. He can have his nights off with the guys. He can travel with the guys. He can have his own space because, for sure, I do need mine. He will have his identity just like I will have mine. And I am totally cool with that. I need my nights out with the girls, my shopping sessions, even trips with my girlfriends too. In the end, it is mutual understanding in your partnership, and without trust, you cannot accomplish anything. And of course, there is our space and our time. What he is doing once he is out of that door, it’s just out of my hands, and he is responsible for his actions. Anyway, everything is a lottery. Girls, if he wants to do it, he will do it 100%! Let me give you an example that an insecure person would never tolerate: When I was dating the Serbian guy – one time, he had to go to a work party hosted in one of his co-workers’ apartments. I was actually invited as well by one of those guys. But the night before, he told me he would instead not take me as that is his work environment – everyone will get quickly drunk, and most likely, I will not have fun. Initially, I was like, “hmmm,” but didn’t say anything or look upset. The day after the party, he called me straight in the morning, and we were just chatting about it. And in the evening he showed me some pictures from the party. Nothing wow, just a regular party. And guess what. I had my salsa nights, and every time I was going, he always admired how amazing I looked and wished me “go have fun, girl” The truth is those were my nights where he would have stayed at the bar getting bored. So I wouldn’t have taken him there, no way. See my point? We all need our space and trust in our partners and, more importantly ourselves. Sometimes we need to have something that is only our own. To summarise, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that if it is your partner, you can’t control, fix, or help him. This is not your job but the other person’s responsibility to work on it. And this will take time which might have a negative impact on you and the relationship as well. So pay attention to the red flags and take action from the beginning, perhaps in the early dating stages. Sure talk about it, but if you don’t see any signs of change from his side, girl, you gotta get out. Fast. Guys, you too  From my experience, if he is jealous, this comes with whole other issues in the package.

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The good news is that if it is you and you want to make some changes, you are the captain of this ship. This is your game, your life, your entire responsibility. With hard work, even therapy if needed, willingness and acceptance, you have high chances to succeed. The key is to love and trust yourself more. What we need to understand is that we don’t own anybody in this life. We are not the masters of anyone, and none was assigned to us. Jealousy is sickness and a desperate fear of loss, therefore possession. We cannot keep someone closer to us or vice versa. This is not the way to have healthier and better relationships. On the contrary. It’s a game you’ll never win. What are your thoughts about jealousy in relationships?