Gentlemen, We Freak Out Too
We also want to take things slow.
Gentlemen we freak out too. At least many of us … or most of us.
In most cases, women are the ones who push things and I kinda’ have some sympathy for that as we are more family-oriented and we want to build our safe and secure nest from a young age.
But you will be surprised how often men push the wrong buttons and ask ridiculous questions in the very early stages of dating. Or make long-term plans … without even considering asking you.
Just because they also need to tick some boxes … and fast.
Believe me, it is freaking the hell out of us.
Luckily, it didn’t happen very often to be asked on a third date what my intentions are or how I see the “relationship.” First of all, there was no relationship at that moment. Duh!
However, I have a funny story to share with you. A few years ago, something that happened to me made me run away faster than an Olympic runner.
When I was living in Berlin, I was long-distance dating a very cool awesome guy living in The Hague (The Netherlands). There is quite a lot to talk about this relationship, but now I will only refer to this part. Eventually, he moved to Singapore, and our relationship became more fragile than it already was. We were arguing all the time, but we were still in touch. As soon as he moved away, we didn’t see each other for a long time. Finally, after 8-9 months, I traveled back and forth to Singapore. And seeing him after a long time, I realized something was broken, plus his OCD behavior was driving me nuts. When I went back to Berlin I told him I wanted to break up and he said ok, but I want to see you one more time, and in 30 min he sent me a ticket to Singapore. I was flying the following week.
I got there, and after we reached his apartment (he was living in one of the most expensive buildings in Singapore with an extravagant Marina Bay Sands view) he told me the following:
You know I have been thinking a lot, and I have made some decisions, and I think we should make things work. You will move here, and you don’t have to work. I will give you my credit card, we will get married probably in 6 months and shortly after we will have two kids. A boy and a girl. The boy’s name is Bruce (he was a Bruce Lee fan), and the girl… I don’t even remember.
Instead of deliriously jumping high out of happiness, I was shocked. The week that I stayed there, I tried to cope with the idea and tell myself it was terrific, but shortly after I arrived in Berlin, I realized It was crazy, and I won’t be able to do it. It scared the S*** out of me. Everything was so well planned with dates, activities, and names, and I didn’t even have anything to say about it. Now that I write, I realize he never asked me what I think about it either.
Why He Made Me Freak Out
- Our relationship was always a long-distance one, and we never spent more than a week together, nor have we ever lived in the same house.
- Our so-called partnership was broken and never had a regular flow because most of the time, we were physically away from each other, and we were fighting a lot, including when we were together.
- We didn’t have a solid base, therefore his plan and how he approached it to have a family was meant to fail.
The way he did it, it was so messed up. Instead of me staying, all I wanted was to walk away.
Probably right now, I could have been a Singapore housewife with not many responsibilities, taking care of Bruce, and I forgot the girl’s name and, of course, taking care of him. Imagine that … :))
Nah! Most likely, things wouldn’t have worked out …
If he reads this, I am sorry I don’t want to make it sound bad as he was one of the most intelligent men I have ever been with (note – all men I have been with were super bright), a great guy in so many ways but so infantile in others. Not to mention the complete lack of emotional intelligence, which had a substantial negative impact on our relationship.
Regardless, the above narrative is just a random example and my personal story. I am sure many of us girls have a lot of other more or less similar tales to share.
Surprisingly, because I talk to many women, it looks like it’s not that rare that many guys also rush into relationships and expect us to be excited about it. What are their reasons? Perhaps the more or less the same like ours: being afraid to be alone, it seemed too good to be true, or it felt the right thing to do.
To cement a relationship takes time. Not 300 years, but there should be some steps to abide and be patient. Even now, at 40, if I meet Mr. Right, as awesome as he could be, I would not jump to anything. I will take my time. Yeah, it might be less because now life has got shorter (lol), but I would still take it one after the other to check things out and see if he is what I am looking for.
To conclude, there is no recipe for a happy, healthy relationship to grow into something meaningful.
However, I Believe A Couple Of Fundamental Steps Should Not Be Missed.
- Dating
- Traveling together
- Moving in
- Getting to know each other’s family and friends
- Marriage
- Kids
If you have a similar experience you would like to share, leave a comment below. I would love to read it
